Overheard on the Hill: Ke$ha and… just Ke$ha

My Overheard post is coming to you on Tuesday because… Ke$ha. Ke$ha came to Cornell and performed on Sunday, and let’s just say that the concert did me dirty. Yesterday was an all around struggle to get to campus. To walk. To breathe. To live. But was it worth it? Helllll yes. I had so much fun. Except now it’s two days later and I’m still finding glitter on me…

kesha

“I was watching TV with my landlady’s 16 year old daughter…”

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“They were canoodling in Wegman’s.”

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“My brain hurts.”

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“I just got elbowed in the dome.”

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“I’m roofie-ing you with popcorn.”

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“I want to shove my nostrils through my eyes and puke them out of my lungs.”

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“He’s a freshman. He’s a loser.”

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“You smell pukey.”

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“You’re gonna instagram the shit outta this.”

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“Cows be cray.”

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“It looks like flowers and dirt.”

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“It’s like negative butt.”

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“I accepted all of your kisses.”

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“I have amazing nipples.”

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“If you were a superhero, I’d call you Catwoman. Hssssss.”

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“You don’t fight in a toga.”

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“After you, Mr. Tinted Windows.”

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“She would talk to a brick wall.”

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“Cheers to salsa.”

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“I can feel the alcohol sloshing around in my stomach.”

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“I might look like a hooker but I like it.”

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“Look, I’m making a Ke$ha angel.”

 

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Overheard on the Hill: Blake Shelton and Pregnant Gnats

I’ve had… quite the interesting week, as you’ll be able to tell once you read these quotes. I went to Ithaca and back for a week, checked off another item on my bucket list (more on that later!!), and saw Blake Shelton live in concert. Let me just say that he is hysterical. Funnier than I realized. And people that attend country concerts are interesting too… check this guy out!

I still don't know how this guy snuck a whole bottle of Jack Daniels into the concert...

I still don’t know how this guy snuck a whole bottle of Jack Daniels into the concert…

“This morning I thought I got my period but it was just my butt.”

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“You guys wanna fight somebody tonight?”

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“Shin caps would be weird.”

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“MT. You know what that stands for? Most Beautiful. It’s a silent T.”

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“It’s a butt sigh.”

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“I’d punt it’s goose head.”

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“I wish I could pull off rompers without looking like a worm.”

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“It creates a canyon in your chest.”

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“Hes not married! He said his brother in law gave him that shirt! Oh wait, he is married….”

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“I get carded when I get a cup of coffee.”

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“Fuck that. Be a man and whip it out and piss on someones care.”

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“I kiss you for America.”

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“I know a pregnant gnat when I see one.”

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Blake Shelton, “Ya know… boobies.”

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Blake Shelton, “For once in my life I want to know what it feels like to be Taylor Swift.”


10 Things That Are Stressful for No Reason

I am not an easily stressed person. I like to think of myself as a laid back and go with the flow kinda gal–I’m sure most people who are actually really uptight think that, but that’s besides the point. Regardless, I rarely find myself getting stressed out. Occasionally when I have a hell week of class with 12 exams and 7 papers and practice for 9 thousand hours with only 3 hours of sleep a night, I might break out into a face full of zits and be miserable. But that’s rare. I’m usually pretty good at managing everything I need to do while still making time to go out and have fun. But there will always be a number of things that are so stupid that they shouldn’t stress me out–but they do. No clue why, but the following ten (in addition to many more I can’t think of yet)  things have always bothered me. I wonder if they secretly stress any of you out for no reason too.

1. When my windshield wipers are going a different speed than the cars in oncoming traffic. This stresses me out the most when my wipers are on hyper speed while the cars in oncoming traffic have their wipers set to the lowest setting, swiping away rain every few seconds or so. I feel as if those people are silently judging me for having mine set so fast. (In a super snooty voice) Welllll look at windshield-wiper-blades-last-1that car over there with it’s wipers on so fast! That driver must not be as experienced as IIIIII myself am at driving in the rain. Tsk, tsk. 

2. When my car headlights aren’t on but they are on every other car. Okay, Phoebe (yes, my car has a name, and yes, her name is Phoebe. Or Pheebs) isn’t new. It’s a 2003 and whoever owned her before really went the cheap route–manual locks and crank windows. I thought power locks and windows were standard by 2003, but apparently I was wrong. The person who owned Phoebe before me also smoked and got in a lot of accidents, but that’s besides the point. What I’m getting at here is that she doesn’t have fancy schmancy sensors that detect when it’s dark enough for the headlights to go on so I have to put them on myself. And I love Pheebs, I do. She gets me from point A to point B with no problems. It’s just that when I’m driving at night-ish and I see other cars with their headlights on but I feel that I can see fine without them, that I don’t quite need them yet, then I get stressed out a little. THEN, when I decide to finally turn my headlights on, I get stressed out about the fact that some unsuspecting car will actually see my headlights go on. Crazy, I know.

3. Deciding what time to go to the gym. Hmmm, what time should I go to the gym today? WELL, I DON’T KNOW. ACK. Going to the gym always messes with my shower schedule–that’s why I get stressed. Usually I shower at night, so that way my hair can air dry before I go to bed, I can avoid blow drying it (because I straighten it all the time anyway, my hair doesn’t need the added heat damage), and it’ll be ready to go the next morning. But if I decide to go the the gym early the next morning, I can’t shower at night, because, what’s the point? I’m just going to get sweaty soon enough. But then, If I decide to go the the gym around 5 and I have plans later, I might not have enough time to shower, blow dry my hair, and make it to where ever I have to be on time. Ugh. And if I choose to go to the gym in the middle of the day? Well, that opens up a whole new can of worms that you don’t want me to get started on.

4. When Siri starts going off in the middle of class. Scenario: Me, sitting in class, la di da la di da. Me, getting a little distracted and deciding to check my text messages or whatever. Me, hitting the home button only ONE TIME, not pressing it down to invoke the wrath of Siri so I can see what my friend sent me. Next thing you know DING DING (you know, in that way that iPhones do) or SORRY, I DIDN’T GET THAT goes off in the middle of my lecture hall. Everyone stares. Everyone knows it was you who was

Dammit Siri!

Dammit Siri!

playing with your phone. Even the professor. Me, hitting the lock button a million times until the voices stop, my heart–which was going a million miles a minute–only calming down when the screen finally goes black.

5. When I think people can hear my music through my headphones. I think this one is mostly because I hate when I can hear other people’s music through their headphones. Seriously, you don’t need to listen to your music that loud. Unless, of course, you want to be deaf by the time you’re 40, but hey, that’s your call I guess. I always constantly end up taking my earbuds out of my ears and checking to see if I can hear the music from the outside. Why? Beats me. I shouldn’t really care… but I do.

6. That little bit of chalk/marker on the board that the teacher missed. I know this one bothers a lot of people out there besides me. But it’s the worst! Especially when teachers do it on purpose to annoy their students (I had a teacher that would do this all the time, meh). Then, I spend a significant amount of time–more than I’m willing to admit–staring at that little, lonely line. I’ve actually been in classes where my fellow classmates interrupted and asked for that lonely line to be erased. I like those people.

7. When the top of the can falls into whatever you’ve just opened. I really hate this. When the lid of the can falls in, I stare at it for a few moments and cry a little inside. You can’t get it out with your fingers–because it’s impossible and if you could you’d probably cut yourself pretty badly. So, I now have to a get a spoon or fork that otherwise wouldn’t get dirty to pry the jagged piece of metal out of my food. Awesome. And this is the worst part–I HATE getting that can lid dirty. That stresses me out the most. It’s not like I’m not gonna throw it out anyway?! WHY DO I CARE?

8. Dresses with pockets. Seriously, why? Why do we need dresses with pockets? It’s not like we’re going to put anything in them! Especially if it’s a sundress-y type thing. Let’s be real–if we were to put anything in that there pocket, it would sag and pull the dress and make it look ugly. Really ugly. No one wants to see that. So why put pockets in dresses in the first place?! AH.

9. Driving at night in the rain. I don’t mind driving at night. I don’t mind driving in the rain. But driving at night in the rain is one of my own personal kinds of hell. It’s awful! The road is covered with water and the glare from the streetlights and oncoming traffic make it impossible to see the lines. I could be driving in my lane. But I also could be driving into oncoming traffic or in the bike lane and some pedestrian is on the way to their death.

10. Feet. First off–EW. Feet. Are. GROSS. I hate when people touch me with their feet. I hate when people touch my feet. When either of those two things happen, my stress level instantly skyrockets until A) I move a safe distance from those calloused monstrosities, usually in a way that involves extreme amounts of spastic flinching, or B) I hit the person who dared touch me with their feet. I mean, come on. You walk around on only god knows what with those things. They sweat. They smell. The get corns, bunions, callouses, you name it. They can even get funguses! YIKES. Keep ’em away from me, please.


Overheard on the Hill: Getting Drunk and Going Commando

I know what you’re thinking, “Oh my god, it’s TUESDAY and she’s doing an overheard post. She missed Monday. I’m furious.” And before you get your panties in an even bigger bunch, let me explain. I was going to do this post yesterday, but I had to drive four hours back to Ithaca after being home for the XTU Anniversary Show (which was AWESOME by the way. I love Brad Paisley. And Chris Young. And drinking), and then I had to work until a 11:30.  Needless to say, I was pooped. A long Sunday filled with drinking and a Monday consisting of driving does not a productive Sam make.

“That clock things it’s better than all the other clocks.”

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“It just floats up to your butthole.”

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“I legit felt the sweat drip down my back.” (Because partying in tiny apartments in Ithaca with 25 people and no air conditioning does not provide the best environment).

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“I feel like I have a blanket on my head”

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“Underwear is for squares.”

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“I just didn’t want to put a bra on.”

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“I hate when my mouth gets bored… my mouth has ADD.”

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“We have a ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy when it comes to book club.”

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“The only help I’ve gotten in the bathroom is from my mom.”

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“She took me to the Bruno Mars concert and brought me cheese.”

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“That’s an underage menu.”

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“Most girls are useless flesh bags.”

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“I love spunky black security guards.”

I love me some Jack Daniels!

I love me some Jack Daniels!

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“Look it, there’s a white guy jogging here so we’re gonna be fine.”

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“I don’t drink dark liquor. If I can’t see through the bottle then I can’t see the rest of my night.”

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“When I get drunk I kinda feel a little ghetto.”

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In the words of Chris Young, “Save water, drink beer.”

^^^ On a side note, Chris Young is EXCELLENT live. I recommend you see him sometime.


Overheard on the Hill: Toby Keith and Werewolf Threesomes

Do not fear! I have returned with yet another slew of quotes from my wacky friends (and people who I overhear talking at the bar). This one is 748,472,020% better than last week’s collection.

“Every time I thought about it I peed my pants.”

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“You’d swear I had an abduction experience before.”

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“Let’s take a shot and then empty the dishwasher.”

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“Wanna see the coolest part of my room? It’s my tie rack.”

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“I saw a werewolf threesome. How many werewolf threesomes have you seen??”

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“I’m gonna hover pee and doggy shake it.”

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“I haven’t been this drunk since last night.”

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“Have you felt this nonsense that is my undercarriage?”

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“You know skipping is the most efficient way to get anywhere? You get there efficiently, you get there without a breath, and you get there funly.”

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“The only thing on my mind right now is pedophiles.”

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“Birth control is butt sex is Amish country.”

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“No I did not come out of your man vagina.”

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“I don’t know if you’re ready to take it to the next level, but let’s swap mouths.”

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About Kim and Kanye. And of course North West, “They’re gonna get divorced in a week when it starts pooping and no one knows how to change the diaper.”

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images“We’re at the Toby Keith concert and she’s arguing with a midget…”

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“I’m way too single for that.”

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“Deer are pretty until they’re dead in the road.”

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“What if balls had eyes that could only see when you have a boner?”

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“If bananas were a color, they would be mauve because they don’t know what they want to do. Is mauve purple or pink? Bananas… are they sweet? Tart? Tangy? I mean come on!”

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The next collection of quotes come from Toby Keith when I was at the concert on Saturday. They might not be funny, but they’re meaningful.

“Every day is Independence Day in the U S of A.”

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“I like girls that drink beer.”

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About sex, “Once is all you need if you do it right.”

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And my favorite, ” Never apologize for being patriotic.”

This bald eagle looks angry.

This bald eagle looks angry.

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So that’s what I’ve got. I know I’ve only been doing the overheard posts, but this week I PROMISE PROMISE PROMISE I will right new blogs. I have a ton of ideas saved as drafts for crying out loud. I guess all this drinking and sleeping I’ve been doing this summer has taken it’s toll on my desire to write. But it WILL change!


6 Awesome Things

1. Getting into bed after you have just changed the sheets. I didn’t realize just how awesome this was until the other day. After all of the years that I have been changing my sheets and making my bed (okay, I’m not very good at making my bed everyday), I never fully appreciated how nice it is to get into a freshly made bed with new sheets. It’s soft and clean and just feels good. It’s one of my new favorite things. Wow.

coffee-black2. Coffee. I was never a big coffee drinker–until this year anyway. Let me just tell you how awesome coffee is. Imagine this: I was up late studying and have to get up early for class. After dragging myself out of bed and attempting to look semi-presentable, I realize just how sore and exhausted I am from doing homework and practice. THEN I make a cup of coffee, a miracle elixir that will give me energy to make it through the day because of this wonderful thing called caffeine. How have I not discovered this before?!

3. Beer. Drink beer, get drunk. Enough said.

4. Grabbing the exact number of whatever you need. Okay, I might be the only one who ever notices this, but when I blindly grab the right amount of hangers for the amount of clothes I have to hang, I get really excited. It means I don’t have to go back to get more, which is especially important because I can be really lazy sometimes.

So many choices!

So many choices!

5. Country music (with beer). Let me first say that country music is the best kind of music. Without a doubt. But there is something about drinking beer and listening to country music on a hot summer day that is just awesome. Country music is the best drinking music!

6. The sun. What is that giant fiery ball in the sky? Why is it so bright out?! Those are just a few of the thoughts that ran through my this past week when the sun finally made an appearance in dreary Ithaca. Now that it’s starting to warm up, I’ve realized that I love that fiery ball in the sky. It’s warm and–what do you know–when the sun is out I’m much happier! Woah!


Overheard on the Hill, Part 6

I know, I know… it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sorry! I’ve had a ton going on between prelims and packing and just plain old homework. I’m not pleased with myself.  This week will be better, I promise!

Despite my lack of blogging, I have managed to compose quite the interesting list of things that I have overheard on campus. They gave me a few laughs and helped me to get through my stressful week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

My friend on the types of men she likes, “I like kosher hot dogs and Italian sausage.”

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“Can I send a picture to your mom of my face?”

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Ugh, I would love to punch him in the face if I got the chance.

Ugh, I would love to punch him in the face if I got the chance.

“If someone asks you if you want to punch Justin Beiber in the face, the answer is yes.”

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“What is this? Rain? Snow? I can’t tell.”

“Me either. It’s Ithacating.”

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“Sometimes I forget to breathe.”

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On dry season, “They just pick a date and then BAM. No more cocaine, I can’t do heroine anymore…”

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“I thought all of my bras were dirty but then I thought, NOT MY PARTY BRAS! Look, it’s bedazzled!”

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“Can we music?”

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“I think you need to calm down the Amish spirit with that skirt.”

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Restaurant patron to a teammate, “Do you guys play field hockey?”

My teammate, “No, softball.”

Patron, “Indoor softball?”

^^^I still don’t believe this could have actually happened. What the hell?? Indoor softball, really?!

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After eating something really hot, “Woooo, hotsie totsie!”

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“I’m a sausage girl but I can appreciate your bacon-ness”

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“Sometimes I just want to punch myself in the face.”