I’m sure you guys remember my rant a few months ago about some issues I was having at school. I needed to get a lot off my chest or else it would have all built up and things would have gotten worse.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I sent an email to the roommate in question apologizing for my actions senior year and also mentioning that I think we both kind of screwed up. I told her that if she didn’t respond that I would completely understand. She never wrote back. I don’t know if it was because she didn’t want to or if it was because she never got the email (I sent it to her Cornell email and I don’t know if she still uses it). Either way, maybe it will be seen if I put it on my blog. If she doesn’t see it, that’s fine. I want you guys to see it too.
“Why did you bother?” I’m sure you guys are asking. “Things seemed pretty bad and irreparable.”
Why? Because as damaged as our friendship might be, I had to try. I don’t want to look back years from now wishing that I had reached out and at least apologized. I don’t want this to be one of my big regrets in life–at least I know that I reached out and at least attempted to fix something, even if it was something that couldn’t be fixed.
So, here goes nothing.
* * * * * * * * * *
Fall semester started it all and that I know I was rude, didn’t communicate well, and–let’s be honest–I was a pretty crappy friend in general. I’m sorry. That was a really bad time for me. I was being thrown into the middle of drama that didn’t involve me and I was losing friends left and right. I realize now that had I just talked to you about some things, it might have (and probably would have) played out differently. I wasn’t your best friend. I wasn’t even a good friend, period.
Things spiraled out of control and we both let the most trivial of things affect our friendship as the semester went on and winter break passed. I know that I’m not completely innocent in this whole situation, something that I’ve reflected on for a while now actually. I think we were both at fault and we let the situation get out of hand. For me, at least–I don’t know about you–I let things stew under the surface instead of talking about it. I think that if we had just communicated better, we could have nipped it in the bud and much of this could have been avoided.
It might be too late for an apology and for me to send you this, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I wanted to get this all off my chest and I thought that you should know how I feel, even if is three months after graduation and nearly a year after everything started.
I hope that nothing I said in this email offended you–that was absolutely not my intention. I’m just trying to get down exactly how I feel and I might not have worded certain things well.
Hell, you might not even still use Cmail, but I figured I would give it a shot since it’s probably the best method to get in touch. If you don’t respond, I’ll understand. You should know that I’ve been thinking about everything that’s happened over the past year and that I am truly, deeply sorry. I’ve thought of everything I could have done in the past year to change the outcome and I’m wishing I had made a change, done something about it. Like I said, we were the best of friends and it got away from us.
I hope that everything is going well for you.
This post is a long time coming… I checked climbing to the top of the clocktower off 161 Things at the end of September. (And conveniently went on a blogging hiatus in the beginning of October. Coincidence?)
A few of my teammates and I had just got done with class and had a little bit of free time before any of us had anything else to do. We were walking across the Arts Quad toward the clocktower, none of us had climbed it yet, so we figured what the hell. Backpacks and all, we marched to the top.
I will say that the one mistake we did make was climbing to the top in the middle of a chimes concert. Having I Can Go the Distance from Disney’s Hercules blaring in my ears wasn’t necessarily the most pleasant thing. But let me tell you, the view was magnificent.
Despite the unseasonably hot weather we were having in Ithaca at the time and the sweat that was dripping down my back by the time we reached the top, the view was worth it. Definitely all it was cracked up to be. …it also helped that it was an absolutely gorges (Ha! Punny!) day in Ithaca.
I stood there in awe, looking at Cornell from a fresh new perspective. It was breathtaking–the bright blue of the sky contrasted with the blue of Cayuga Lake, the green of campus, all of the students… amazing. I’ll let you be the judge.
Looking at Sage Hall
I will definitely be visiting again before graduation this May.
In keeping with my promise to update my blog more, I’ve decided to do a series on all of the things and lessons that I have learned since getting to college. I don’t know if it’s because I only have on semester left on the Hill and I’m getting a bit nostalgic or because I have reached (more like skidded to with a screeching halt) these conclusions very recently. Some of these will be funny, some will be serious… either way, I want to compile a list of all of the little tidbits of information I have collected over the course of my time at Cornell.
This is a lesson I have most certainly learned this past semester–you’re not meant to stay friends with everyone who crosses your path. It just won’t happen. No matter how bad you want to stay friends with said person, it is just not meant to be. This could be because of drama, because you grow apart, because of boys, or you each have different interests than you had originally. These things happen. And you know what? Sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes it’s good to remove these people from your life. Sometimes I have absolutely no desire to pursue the friendship any further. That sometimes for me is right now.
Unfortunately, I did lose some best friends this year, particularly at the hands of drama. Somehow I managed to avoid drama my ENTIRE COLLEGE CAREER until this semester when it all caught up to me and managed to makeup for lost time (my luck, right?). I think that says enough in terms of my avoiding drama–I always try to stay out of it, not taking sides, listening to everyone. I realize I may be going directly against what I just said by writing this post, but whatever. Another thing I’ve learned in connecting with this little lesson? Girls are bitches. And catty and malicious and mean.
Seriously though, girls are the worst. They’re passive aggressive–no confrontation at all (not to say that I’m not guilty of avoiding confrontation at times). Yes, leaving post-it notes is a much more appropriate route, really. Very cute. Another super cute thing that girls do? Lie. Spread rumors. RUIN FRIENDSHIPS. Yup, I said it. Lies told about me almost ruined one of my closest friendships. Thank god I was able to mend that one after explaining WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED and that no, I did not know that so-and-so who was “together” with so-and-so but slept with so-and-so, BECAUSE I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. Like not even in the state of New York. So there was no way that I would know. But apparently I’m too self-centered to pay attention to what’s going with my friends. Right. But I digress.
Judging by my little rant, I’m sure you have an idea of what I’ve been going through and just how DUMB the high level drama is. Like seriously. I thought I outgrew this shit. Ugh but post it notes really get my goat (did I actually just use that expression?). AHKDOAIJFKLDJFLKAJDF. Literally. I don’t know how else to express my anger towards this.
I’m going to stop here before I get any angrier. There will be more on this later. Probably after this semester when I can go into much more detail. Ohhhh the anticipation! I know it’s killing you.
If I had to close this article with a piece of advice, it would most certainly be this: don’t live with your “best friend.” It won’t work. I learned the hard way.
I’m going to admit it–O-Week got the best of me. O-Week, or Orientation Week, begins the Friday before classes start when all of the freshman move to campus. Basically, it’s 5 nights of going out and partying. For me though, O-Week started last Sunday. It’s been rough and it explains why I’m writing the post I usually write on Mondays on a Thursday. I’ve been dead. Drinking and eating and sleeping, that’s pretty much it. I took off the night before classes on Tuesday, but I was back at it again last night and will be again tonight. On the bright side, with the return of hoards of students to campus, I have a TON of amazing, hysterical quotes! Happy O-Week!
“Make me get drunk and yell at Japan tonight.”
“I feel guilty showering.”
“It tastes like a hangover waiting to happen.”
“I feel you hearing me.”
“I have the metabolism of a donkey.”
“They bonded over booze.”
“I’m going to chase my shower with some Jergen’s lotion.”
“Miley Cyrus is my spirit animal!”
“I guess we’re drinking Mother Earth today.”
“It’s like ballsack on ballsack.”
“My butt is drippy today.”
“Do you ever feel like you’re in Forrest Gump the movie?
“If a fox and a wolf had sex on top of a unicorn, that would be my spirit animal.”
“Have you ever felt like an Irish mobster?”
“Teagles are like heaven in my crotch.”
“He’s literally like an innocent little tortoise.”
“I don’t believe that women should have to wear closed two shoes AND a bra. One of them has to be free.”
About a bra, “You could eat out of that thing it’s so big!”
“Give me black people music.”
“Bruises, so, do they like hurt?”
“Gelato comes from bulls and ice cream comes from cows.”
“Lean on your fellow tater tot…”
“It’s like puberty round dos.”
“I had tequila for dinner.”
“I know we didn’t have sex because my pants were still on.”
I am not an easily stressed person. I like to think of myself as a laid back and go with the flow kinda gal–I’m sure most people who are actually really uptight think that, but that’s besides the point. Regardless, I rarely find myself getting stressed out. Occasionally when I have a hell week of class with 12 exams and 7 papers and practice for 9 thousand hours with only 3 hours of sleep a night, I might break out into a face full of zits and be miserable. But that’s rare. I’m usually pretty good at managing everything I need to do while still making time to go out and have fun. But there will always be a number of things that are so stupid that they shouldn’t stress me out–but they do. No clue why, but the following ten (in addition to many more I can’t think of yet) things have always bothered me. I wonder if they secretly stress any of you out for no reason too.
1. When my windshield wipers are going a different speed than the cars in oncoming traffic. This stresses me out the most when my wipers are on hyper speed while the cars in oncoming traffic have their wipers set to the lowest setting, swiping away rain every few seconds or so. I feel as if those people are silently judging me for having mine set so fast. (In a super snooty voice) Welllll look at that car over there with it’s wipers on so fast! That driver must not be as experienced as IIIIII myself am at driving in the rain. Tsk, tsk.
2. When my car headlights aren’t on but they are on every other car. Okay, Phoebe (yes, my car has a name, and yes, her name is Phoebe. Or Pheebs) isn’t new. It’s a 2003 and whoever owned her before really went the cheap route–manual locks and crank windows. I thought power locks and windows were standard by 2003, but apparently I was wrong. The person who owned Phoebe before me also smoked and got in a lot of accidents, but that’s besides the point. What I’m getting at here is that she doesn’t have fancy schmancy sensors that detect when it’s dark enough for the headlights to go on so I have to put them on myself. And I love Pheebs, I do. She gets me from point A to point B with no problems. It’s just that when I’m driving at night-ish and I see other cars with their headlights on but I feel that I can see fine without them, that I don’t quite need them yet, then I get stressed out a little. THEN, when I decide to finally turn my headlights on, I get stressed out about the fact that some unsuspecting car will actually see my headlights go on. Crazy, I know.
3. Deciding what time to go to the gym. Hmmm, what time should I go to the gym today? WELL, I DON’T KNOW. ACK. Going to the gym always messes with my shower schedule–that’s why I get stressed. Usually I shower at night, so that way my hair can air dry before I go to bed, I can avoid blow drying it (because I straighten it all the time anyway, my hair doesn’t need the added heat damage), and it’ll be ready to go the next morning. But if I decide to go the the gym early the next morning, I can’t shower at night, because, what’s the point? I’m just going to get sweaty soon enough. But then, If I decide to go the the gym around 5 and I have plans later, I might not have enough time to shower, blow dry my hair, and make it to where ever I have to be on time. Ugh. And if I choose to go to the gym in the middle of the day? Well, that opens up a whole new can of worms that you don’t want me to get started on.
4. When Siri starts going off in the middle of class. Scenario: Me, sitting in class, la di da la di da. Me, getting a little distracted and deciding to check my text messages or whatever. Me, hitting the home button only ONE TIME, not pressing it down to invoke the wrath of Siri so I can see what my friend sent me. Next thing you know DING DING (you know, in that way that iPhones do) or SORRY, I DIDN’T GET THAT goes off in the middle of my lecture hall. Everyone stares. Everyone knows it was you who was
playing with your phone. Even the professor. Me, hitting the lock button a million times until the voices stop, my heart–which was going a million miles a minute–only calming down when the screen finally goes black.
5. When I think people can hear my music through my headphones. I think this one is mostly because I hate when I can hear other people’s music through their headphones. Seriously, you don’t need to listen to your music that loud. Unless, of course, you want to be deaf by the time you’re 40, but hey, that’s your call I guess. I always constantly end up taking my earbuds out of my ears and checking to see if I can hear the music from the outside. Why? Beats me. I shouldn’t really care… but I do.
6. That little bit of chalk/marker on the board that the teacher missed. I know this one bothers a lot of people out there besides me. But it’s the worst! Especially when teachers do it on purpose to annoy their students (I had a teacher that would do this all the time, meh). Then, I spend a significant amount of time–more than I’m willing to admit–staring at that little, lonely line. I’ve actually been in classes where my fellow classmates interrupted and asked for that lonely line to be erased. I like those people.
7. When the top of the can falls into whatever you’ve just opened. I really hate this. When the lid of the can falls in, I stare at it for a few moments and cry a little inside. You can’t get it out with your fingers–because it’s impossible and if you could you’d probably cut yourself pretty badly. So, I now have to a get a spoon or fork that otherwise wouldn’t get dirty to pry the jagged piece of metal out of my food. Awesome. And this is the worst part–I HATE getting that can lid dirty. That stresses me out the most. It’s not like I’m not gonna throw it out anyway?! WHY DO I CARE?
8. Dresses with pockets. Seriously, why? Why do we need dresses with pockets? It’s not like we’re going to put anything in them! Especially if it’s a sundress-y type thing. Let’s be real–if we were to put anything in that there pocket, it would sag and pull the dress and make it look ugly. Really ugly. No one wants to see that. So why put pockets in dresses in the first place?! AH.
9. Driving at night in the rain. I don’t mind driving at night. I don’t mind driving in the rain. But driving at night in the rain is one of my own personal kinds of hell. It’s awful! The road is covered with water and the glare from the streetlights and oncoming traffic make it impossible to see the lines. I could be driving in my lane. But I also could be driving into oncoming traffic or in the bike lane and some pedestrian is on the way to their death.
10. Feet. First off–EW. Feet. Are. GROSS. I hate when people touch me with their feet. I hate when people touch my feet. When either of those two things happen, my stress level instantly skyrockets until A) I move a safe distance from those calloused monstrosities, usually in a way that involves extreme amounts of spastic flinching, or B) I hit the person who dared touch me with their feet. I mean, come on. You walk around on only god knows what with those things. They sweat. They smell. The get corns, bunions, callouses, you name it. They can even get funguses! YIKES. Keep ’em away from me, please.