Overheard on the Hill: Sexy Chins and Lacy Offerings

And so the overheard posts continue. This week is pretty good if you ask me. Lot’s of randomness and just odd thoughts. I don’t quite understand how people’s brains work sometimes. But that’s what makes these posts so great.

“My thongs is doing that thing where it hurts my butt.”

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“That’s bobo.”

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“You have the sexiest chin in college sports.” This was actually said to me one night. I’m not necessarily sure how to interpret this. Compliment or no?

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“It’s like a land gondola.”

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“I wish I had a lacy offering for you.”

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“This is the prettiest oven mitt I’ve ever seen. Isn’t it just beautiful?”

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“Wanna know how many gremlins (referring to girls) I hooked up with this year?” This is one of the most messed up things I’ve heard.

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“All of our balls are odd.”

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Pizza places should be awake 100% of the time.

Pizza places should be awake 100% of the time.

“Is that the one you bought from the homeless man outside the Eagles game?”

“He wasn’t homeless, he was just a nice young crackhead.”

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“Is the pizza place awake right now?”

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“My children are going to bow down to the queen.”


Overheard on the Hill: Salad Intimacy and The Bachelor

I’m sitting at the kitchen table with my mom, fawning over Juan Pablo on The Bachelor, when she aptly reminded me that I haven’t posted an overheard post in quite some time! That and I had promised a little over a week ago that I would get better at posting. Oops. Good thing I had some quotes ready for today though. PS, for anyone who wants to know, I’d love Juan Pablo as my 22nd birthday present… please and thank you.

Yummmmmm

Yummmmmm

“I hope my green beans make you happy”

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“Just because you touch his dick, doesn’t mean you’re married for the rest of your life.”

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“Wanna take a shot out of my boobs?”

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“Like you’re birthing a child with your heel.”

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“Why are there bananas on the floor?”

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“That’s not my ID… that’s a Buffalo Wild Wings gift card.”

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“Wait those gloves are so great because yo have full access to all your digits.”

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“What is it with guys and arts and crafts for their dick?”

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“I’m about to have an inmate moment with my salad.”


Overheard on the Hill: Fourth of July Edition

I’m not quite sure what it is, but Independence Day must bring out the best–or weird–in people. The quotes range from patriotism to I don’t even know what. Instead of trying to explain further, I’ll let you just read them for yourself.

“As I used to say in college, ‘still works!”

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“Apparently they’re like the rednecks of China.”

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“We’ve always got food to fall back on.”

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“If you don’t have sex on the Fourth of July it’s unpatriotic.”

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“It’s a space tiger!”

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“We didn’t sleep in Canada.”

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“Suck it up for America.”

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About texting a lot of girls one night, “You gotta cast a wide net if you want to catch a lot of fish.”

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“A forest grew on my face overnight.”

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On the Fourth when the American Flag fell down, “FREEDOM DOWN!”

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“They just re-did the roof, right? Made it sex proof?”

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“America made me push through my hangover.”

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“Preferably when you’re snoring on his penis.”

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“I don’t want to get arrested for the second time today…”

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“America just said ‘fuck you’ okay?”

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“Consuming calories for America.”

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“There was legit an insect in my bra and it bit my tit.”

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“I want to sparkle now.”

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“It’s like America slapped you across the face.”

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“He was fucking himself in the mirror.”

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“You know what would be good right now? Corndog, air conditioning, sex. In that order.”

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“I heard he has a small penis so I’ll let him motorboat me if he wants.”

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“I’m so drunk but so alert.”

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“I’m floating on a cloud.”

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“Townies scare me.”

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“Hey I’m black, I know my people.”

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“I have a broken jukebox in my throat and it only comes out when I’m drunk.”

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“She’s an interesting specimen. I want to study her.”

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“Sunscreen is for non-Mexicans.”

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“It’s like a penis except you have to bite it.”

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“I swear on my nutsack!”

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“It smells like pee-throw up-ass monkey.”

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“At home my laziness gets in the way of me smoking cigarettes.”

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“It sounds like electric sex.”

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“It’s the diaphragm, that’s your problem!”

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“Toilet paper, fuck yeah!”

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“He’s Can-Asian. A Canadian Asian.”

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“Maybe if you’d brush your hair, boys would like you.”

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“You know what I find hard to believe? That pickles are cucumbers.”

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“Imagine how much drama there would be in a 100% gay fraternity…”

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You go girl!

You go girl!

“I just love potato products.”

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“I’m going to Little Mermaid the shit out of this rock.”

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“But the spoons make it violent!”

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“There should be less fireworks and more giant flame balls in the sky.”

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Welp… it certainly was an interesting week.


Overheard on the Hill: Bathing in Quinoa

I’m going to apologize straight out–there are not a lot of quotes for this week. That’s mostly because I’ve been going back and forth from home to school and when I’m at home I’m usually alone… with no one to talk to except my dog. I mean she thinks I’m hysterical, but I thought it would be pretty conceited of me to put a bunch of my own funny quips on here. I’ll try and find some new ones for next week!

Also, I’m sure you observant readers (if you follow my blog) have noticed that I’ve changed the format of the titles for this weekly post. I decided that instead of going all the way up to Part 157 or whatever, that I would just summarize one of the quotes, to draw attention or whatever. I don’t know. But enjoy!

“I think I’m just gonna take some peanut butter to the face.”

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The texture is just fabulous.

The texture is just fabulous.

“I want to fill a tub with uncooked quinoa and just lay in it.”

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“I’m like a marshmallow, pale and fluffy.”

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“No, I don’t want to smell you.”

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“I’m not going to marry a girl until I put a baby in her cause then I know she’ll stay.”

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On who to buy weed from in Rome, “You need to figure out who is the least sketchy but knows the most English.”

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“I’d tackle his tight end.”

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“Look right into my four eyes.”

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“I got fish to play with bitch.”

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“Work smarter, not harder.” Okay, this one isn’t funny. But it was a great piece of advice I thought I’d share.


Overheard on the Hill, Part 13

This past week (and the next few weeks) can be described by one word. Strugglebus. Usually I’m just riding the strugglebus, but recently it seems like I’ve been driving it. And then crashing it. Yikes. But that is the reason for my lack of posting. After May 14th, when I’ve had my last final, I think that I’ll finally be off the strugglebus for good–or at least for the summer–and resume being a normal human being for once. Okay, let’s be real, that probably won’t happen… coming from the girl who chose to go to DisneyWorld for her 21st birthday gift. #childatheart

Without further adieu, I present the best quotes from April 22-28.

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Hungover at lunch, “Just let me perish in my fried rice.”

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About eating a hotdog, “Circumcise it with your teeth.”

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This kind of hotdog would be safe. Too cute to eat!

This kind of hotdog would be safe. Too cute to eat!

“These are not good commando shorts. They’re sticking in my ass.”

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“I love boiled dogs.” Hotdogs, don’t worry.

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“Bitches love me.”

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“I smell like fried food. And asshole. I smell like fried asshole.”

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About Slope Day (don’t worry, I will take time out of my week to tell you about that), “It’s like O Week (Orientation Week) boiled down into one day.”

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“It’s like the Great Gatsby of crab fishing!”

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“It smells like farty pasta.”

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“Our plan was to drunkenly flail on stage.”

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“I woke up with hot sauce on my face and pretzels in my hand surrounded by Jewish books.”

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“And then we had foster kids too but they were fucked up.”

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“Rubber cement got me through middle school.”

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“I want to hackeysack with your children on my back.”

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“I want her to split her pants.”

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“What’re we turning up?! The HEAT!”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 11

No fancy schmancy stuff this time… I’m just going to get right to business. Enjoy!

“Don’t sass me girl. I will end you.”

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I think that would be painful.

I think that would be painful.

At Taco Bell, “I love hot sauce. I would bathe in it.”

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“Hummus is like if Jesus was a food. Hummus.”

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“I like being bitten. I’m a biter.”

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“He threw it to me and it danced right over the fence.”

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“These are my black men jeans.”

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“I’m drunk enough that I’ll ignore that hiccup.”

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“I still have my wisdom teeth. They’re at home on my dresser.”

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“All ribs are good to me.”

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“I look hot. But fat hot.”

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“I was just sexually assaulted by a dog.”

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“This is the land of the mysterious missing socks.”

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“That tastes more funky than when I bit a Viagra in half.”

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“This is a cold sore. But it could also be gonorrhea soo…”

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“I feel like God.”

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“My mother needs to be tranquilized.”

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“Excuse me, tree.”

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“I’m trying to play softball in Europe next year… we’ll see how that works out. If it doesn’t, I’ll become an alcoholic and call it a day.”

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“What’s on your face?”

“It could be anything. I ate a lot this morning.”

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“I thought about doing MMA but then I realized how scrambled my brains would get…”


Overheard: Spring Break Edition

After a brief hiatus, I bring you the best quotes from Spring Break ’13. The past week certainly was an interesting one, as you’ll see soon. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder. Just a warning: prepare yourself for outrageousness.

“I always look sexual.”

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“On a scale of 1 to drunk, how drunk are they right now?”

“Drunk to the nth power, where n is greater than or equal to 23.”

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“Ohhhh the bus is gonna get a haircut!”

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On the airplane, “I need to close the window, the light is assaulting my face.”

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About flying, “It’s safer than stairs. It’s safer than dogs and toilets.”

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My uncle at dinner, “That was outstanding.”

My 4-year-old cousin looks right at me and says, “He says that all the time.”

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

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My cousin on the team we had just lost to, “If I was Spider-Man I would take that red team, pick them up and throw them down til they’re dead!”

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Me, “Dakota, how old do you think I am?”

Dakota, “Sixteen!”

“No, a little older.”

“Seventeen?”

“Nope, older.”

“Seventy hundred?”

“Not that old!”

“Sixty six?”

“Jeez Dakota! I’m 20!”

“Oh. That’s old.”

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“We’re all on the same boat and it’s sinking.”

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“Ohhhh that is juicy.”

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“She showed me her curveball grip and I was like OH YEAH.”

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“I should air out my soul. It’s black and moldy.”

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“I was meant to be a small Chinese child. It’s true.”

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“I was just petting your eyebrows.”

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“If you got stung by a jellyfish, who would you pick to pee on you?”

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“She specializes in starch…”

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“My hair defies gravity.”

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“Fun sucker. What’d you have for lunch? Fun?”

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“You know there’s nothing in the bible about not eating meat on Fridays? They didn’t have meat back then. Just fishes and loaves.”

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“I can’t believe they’re selling beer at a college softball game.”

“It’s okay, that’s what Jesus would want.”

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“You can’t just take pictures of random babies!”

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

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“Raptors are so mean because they can’t jerk off.”

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“Who’s got my arms??”

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“Tequila. That got me married.”

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“I wanna take the wind out of their kite. Then snip the string and trounce on them.”

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“I just freaked out about the mole on my arm but don’t worry guys, it’s not cancerous. It’s just chocolate from my milkshake.”

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“Your hand has a four-foot radius.”

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“Sometimes dumb people are funny and sometimes I wanna kick them in the teeth.”

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“There’s no cure for the common birthday.”

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“There’s some imbalance in your brain that you should address.”

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“No traveling in beer pong.”

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“I hope you don’t have your good panties on case they’re about to drop.”

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“Straight isn’t straight anymore. Too much rum.”

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“This is so cool. But I’m so scared.”

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“My nipples are so sensitive right now.”

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“PS my nipple is still there.”

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“Get out of my asshole.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 6

I know, I know… it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sorry! I’ve had a ton going on between prelims and packing and just plain old homework. I’m not pleased with myself.  This week will be better, I promise!

Despite my lack of blogging, I have managed to compose quite the interesting list of things that I have overheard on campus. They gave me a few laughs and helped me to get through my stressful week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

My friend on the types of men she likes, “I like kosher hot dogs and Italian sausage.”

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“Can I send a picture to your mom of my face?”

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Ugh, I would love to punch him in the face if I got the chance.

Ugh, I would love to punch him in the face if I got the chance.

“If someone asks you if you want to punch Justin Beiber in the face, the answer is yes.”

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“What is this? Rain? Snow? I can’t tell.”

“Me either. It’s Ithacating.”

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“Sometimes I forget to breathe.”

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On dry season, “They just pick a date and then BAM. No more cocaine, I can’t do heroine anymore…”

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“I thought all of my bras were dirty but then I thought, NOT MY PARTY BRAS! Look, it’s bedazzled!”

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“Can we music?”

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“I think you need to calm down the Amish spirit with that skirt.”

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Restaurant patron to a teammate, “Do you guys play field hockey?”

My teammate, “No, softball.”

Patron, “Indoor softball?”

^^^I still don’t believe this could have actually happened. What the hell?? Indoor softball, really?!

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After eating something really hot, “Woooo, hotsie totsie!”

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“I’m a sausage girl but I can appreciate your bacon-ness”

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“Sometimes I just want to punch myself in the face.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 5

This week was a particularly interesting–our season is getting ready to start and my team has been particularly… antsy. Excited. PSYCHED. Which leads to some interesting banter between us. Not all of these are from my team, but they’re all good quotes.

“You don’t want to bark up this tree.”

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“What if everyone who’s schizophrenic is really being followed and no one believes them?”

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“I know you can snow down and sideways, Ithaca, but snowing up? Now you’re just showing off!”

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“You know, Alanis Morissette? Angry Canadian?”

The best ribs I've ever had! Sorry, Mom.

The best ribs I’ve ever had! Sorry, Mom.

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On Dinosaur BBQ, “That was dinorgasmic.”

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“They should have made your spine like an accordian.”

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“It’s like being hazed by the weather, because it’s so awful.”

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“I’ve never been so horny in a public place.”

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Frat guy at a party: “What if I walked behind you?”

Girl: “You’d have a good view.”

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“It was such a bad night. But then I ordered D.P. Dough and got the fuck over it.”

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“Alright, so who’s riding interior bitch?” (What does this even mean??)

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“Tinder me and let me know!”

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We’re playing our first games this weekend, so that should be the perfect opportunity to overhear some clutch quotes. Just Wait.


Overheard on the Hill, Part 4

So, this seems to have become a regular Monday thing… it’s Monday, I’m bored in class, so I post all of the absurd things I’ve heard throughout the week. I kind of like it. I’ll keep it up. Provided I still do a good job at recording these quotes on the notepad on my phone. Quotes from this week range from my friends 21st birthday to fraternity formals to random things my teammates have said.

“Why are your nipples so hard?”

“BECAUSE I’M SO EXCITED!”

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My friend on taking a picture with the guy singing I Will Wait by Mumford & Sons during karaoke, “I don’t want to interrupt his musical spirit.”

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laughing-seagulls“Friends don’t let friends like birds.”

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“APPLIANCES. That’s what I look for. Shiny appliances.”

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“I think I’m getting a cold sore.”

“I had one on my tongue but then I bit it off.”

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“Drink more, care less.”

This is my roommate’s new philosophy–I’d have to say that I agree.

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Wine >>> Chicken Parm

Wine >>> Chicken Parm

“Is there any chance you could bring us two bottles of wine and charge it as a chicken parm?”

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Our waitress at formal (By the way, THE BEST WAITRESS EVER) on being asked to bring a Sprite so my friend could drink from his flask, “Plug your nose and chase with water, you pussy.”

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On a fraternity wall, “In life, take it fucking easy but take it fucking hard.”

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My coach to us at Sunday practice, “Get a drink. No whiskey, just water.”

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Cornell, my friends, is a strange, STRANGE place. Or maybe it’s just me.