Let’s Get Slopey

This shit gets pretty crazy...#CU

Here you go, the promised post about Slope Day. “What is Slope Day?” you ask. At Cornell, it’s the sloppiest, drunkest, shit-showiest, and best day of the year.

Every year, on the last day of classes, Cornell is host to the biggest party and concert of the year–Slope Day. On Slope Day, the Cornell Concert Commission gets some big, popular artist to headline the concert. This year, it’s Kendrick Lamar (ya bish). Ask me how happy I am about this…. AKA NOT HAPPY AT ALL. NO ONE LIKES KENDRICK LAMAR. HE ONLY HAS ONE SINGLE. He doesn’t have  nearly enough music to headline a concert. Fuck that.

“What is ‘the slope?'” you would ask. Well, it’s the biggest fucking hill at Cornell. It leads from Central Campus, where class is held, to West Campus, where some of the upper classmen live. It’s steep as hell, but it’s an excellent concert venue.

On the bright side, Hoodie Allen is also coming to Slope Day… I’M SO EXCITED FOR HIM. I love love loveeee Hoodie. I’m not a fan of rap, but I actually love his music. I’m surprised. Still trying to tweet at him incessantly to get him to come to the softball pregame… we’ll see how that works out.

sd_09_01_0344_09_083Anyway, SLOPE DAY. Basically, people start drinking at about 8am and continue to drink all day (or at least until you get on the slope) and it’s the biggest shit-show you’ll ever see. This is my first real Slope Day (and only, because we’re going to kick ass at softball this year), as a junior, because in past years the softball team has been in the Ivy Championship game and couldn’t drink. Last year I got to go to the slope, but not enjoy it as a real person… I was sober and it was kinda weird.  Drunk bitches errrwhere. But our season kinda went to shit this year, so we get to participate. I’m excited and sad/mad at the same time. Does that make sense?

Slope Day is sure to be quite the experience, and hopefully it’ll be the only time I get to experience it as an undergrad (I will DEFINITELY come back as an alum). Either way I’m pumped for my first Slope Day… just  pray that my team and I survive!!

PS I was entirely drunk while writing this post (sorry Mom)! Starting Slope Day off on the right foot! #college #slopeweekend

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Overheard on the Hill, Part 12

This past week has been really crazy. And the next two weeks will be, too. I go from having very little work all semester to having every single thing due in the same 1 1/2 week span. WTF. It’s like my professors are conspiring against me and decide to make everything do at the same time. As if they specifically want to make my life hell. Yay! On a sidenote… less than three weeks until I hit the big 2-1!!

“I wrote 13 pages and was only supposed to write 6. AND did Sammy’s homework.”

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“I really love calculus. I just think it’s really fun.”

What?? This person is crazy.

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“That’s why they tell you to eat yogurt. Just not for your vagina…”

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“I was waterskiing over the summer and crashed and it was basically like an enema.”

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These things are evil.

These things are evil.

“You remind me of a creepy Easter Bunny.”

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After a night out, “The struggle is real today.”

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“This wind needs to chill the fuck out.”

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“I just need a Xanax and a nap.”

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“Adderall. It works. Makes you focus and makes you skinny.”

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Cheers-ing with shots, “To love and bad bitches and that being our fucking problem. And we’re okay with it.”

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“I wanna fart before we leave.”

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“I make the last drink I take before I blackout to Jesus.”

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“The level and speed that pants came off is astounding.”

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“I would say we’re loitering. I would say that’s a fair assessment of what we’re doing right now.”

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“No, my dad is not a lizard.”

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“This is the best gift I’ve ever received since life.”

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“I’m Ke$sha and Beyonce’s love child, Keyonce.”

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When the Penn players were being obnoxious and singing, “I want to roll my windows down and cruise over their heads.”

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“All I have is softball and alcohol.”

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“Stop feeling up straight people!”

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“Can I sit on the TV?”

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“I got hit by a fucking Honda Element. Again.”

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“I’m very much not black.”

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“Your knees made me burp.”


Overheard: Spring Break Edition

After a brief hiatus, I bring you the best quotes from Spring Break ’13. The past week certainly was an interesting one, as you’ll see soon. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder. Just a warning: prepare yourself for outrageousness.

“I always look sexual.”

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“On a scale of 1 to drunk, how drunk are they right now?”

“Drunk to the nth power, where n is greater than or equal to 23.”

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“Ohhhh the bus is gonna get a haircut!”

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On the airplane, “I need to close the window, the light is assaulting my face.”

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About flying, “It’s safer than stairs. It’s safer than dogs and toilets.”

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My uncle at dinner, “That was outstanding.”

My 4-year-old cousin looks right at me and says, “He says that all the time.”

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

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My cousin on the team we had just lost to, “If I was Spider-Man I would take that red team, pick them up and throw them down til they’re dead!”

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Me, “Dakota, how old do you think I am?”

Dakota, “Sixteen!”

“No, a little older.”

“Seventeen?”

“Nope, older.”

“Seventy hundred?”

“Not that old!”

“Sixty six?”

“Jeez Dakota! I’m 20!”

“Oh. That’s old.”

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“We’re all on the same boat and it’s sinking.”

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“Ohhhh that is juicy.”

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“She showed me her curveball grip and I was like OH YEAH.”

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“I should air out my soul. It’s black and moldy.”

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“I was meant to be a small Chinese child. It’s true.”

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“I was just petting your eyebrows.”

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“If you got stung by a jellyfish, who would you pick to pee on you?”

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“She specializes in starch…”

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“My hair defies gravity.”

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“Fun sucker. What’d you have for lunch? Fun?”

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“You know there’s nothing in the bible about not eating meat on Fridays? They didn’t have meat back then. Just fishes and loaves.”

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“I can’t believe they’re selling beer at a college softball game.”

“It’s okay, that’s what Jesus would want.”

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“You can’t just take pictures of random babies!”

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

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“Raptors are so mean because they can’t jerk off.”

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“Who’s got my arms??”

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“Tequila. That got me married.”

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“I wanna take the wind out of their kite. Then snip the string and trounce on them.”

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“I just freaked out about the mole on my arm but don’t worry guys, it’s not cancerous. It’s just chocolate from my milkshake.”

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“Your hand has a four-foot radius.”

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“Sometimes dumb people are funny and sometimes I wanna kick them in the teeth.”

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“There’s no cure for the common birthday.”

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“There’s some imbalance in your brain that you should address.”

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“No traveling in beer pong.”

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“I hope you don’t have your good panties on case they’re about to drop.”

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“Straight isn’t straight anymore. Too much rum.”

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“This is so cool. But I’m so scared.”

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“My nipples are so sensitive right now.”

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“PS my nipple is still there.”

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“Get out of my asshole.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 8

I’m an awful person, I’ll admit it. I’ve been seriously slacking lately. And this week won’t be much better. I’m on spring break… but I’m on a trip to play softball. So when I’m not playing softball, I’ll be eating. And when I’m not eating, I’ll be sleeping since I’m so exhausted.  But at least all the while I’ll be enjoying sunny, sunny Florida. Fair warning though: there is a high possibility that this will be my only blog post for the week.

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In the weight room, “I think I drooled in her eye…”

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“It’s pronounced cran not crayon.

“But there’s a y-o!”

“So what? This is English!”

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“I have a case of the magical shrinking tits.”

laughing-seagulls***

On a summer internship, “I’m not mentally prepared to be around these birds for four months. Just when you think you’re safe…”

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The sound of seagulls cawing. “That’s the sound of my nightmares.”

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“I don’t even like vegetables, so I don’t want to be one after an accident!”

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“It’s such a struggle. I don’t have a Pope to lead me right now!”

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To my roommate, “Are you going anywhere for spring break?”

Her reply, “I’m going to Canada. It was a whole degree warmer there today!”

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“Happy Pope day!”

He certainly looks friendlier than Pope Benedict.

He certainly looks friendlier than Pope Benedict.

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About Asians on campus, “They see in widescreen instead of fullscreen.”

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“You’ve gotta get a feel for each individual sack.”

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“My feathers will last longer than my bones.”

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“I mean, I’m really awesome at teleportation and shit but it’s not an exact science.”

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I’m aware that I’m posting this really late. I was very tempted to just go to bed and forget my weekly overheard post on Monday, but I sucked it up. Next week, the overheard: spring break edition is sure to be interesting, I promise.

 


Overheard on the Hill, Part 6

I know, I know… it’s been a while since I’ve posted. I’m sorry! I’ve had a ton going on between prelims and packing and just plain old homework. I’m not pleased with myself.  This week will be better, I promise!

Despite my lack of blogging, I have managed to compose quite the interesting list of things that I have overheard on campus. They gave me a few laughs and helped me to get through my stressful week. I hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

My friend on the types of men she likes, “I like kosher hot dogs and Italian sausage.”

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“Can I send a picture to your mom of my face?”

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Ugh, I would love to punch him in the face if I got the chance.

Ugh, I would love to punch him in the face if I got the chance.

“If someone asks you if you want to punch Justin Beiber in the face, the answer is yes.”

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“What is this? Rain? Snow? I can’t tell.”

“Me either. It’s Ithacating.”

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“Sometimes I forget to breathe.”

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On dry season, “They just pick a date and then BAM. No more cocaine, I can’t do heroine anymore…”

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“I thought all of my bras were dirty but then I thought, NOT MY PARTY BRAS! Look, it’s bedazzled!”

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“Can we music?”

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“I think you need to calm down the Amish spirit with that skirt.”

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Restaurant patron to a teammate, “Do you guys play field hockey?”

My teammate, “No, softball.”

Patron, “Indoor softball?”

^^^I still don’t believe this could have actually happened. What the hell?? Indoor softball, really?!

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After eating something really hot, “Woooo, hotsie totsie!”

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“I’m a sausage girl but I can appreciate your bacon-ness”

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“Sometimes I just want to punch myself in the face.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 3

Okay so I don’t know what it is, but recently, I’ve been over hearing some pretty crazy and funny things. This past week alone, I’ve compiled more quotes than I had in the previous two posts. It might be the weather, or it might be the fact that I’m getting better and remembering the things that I hear, but here are some of the best things that I’ve heard in the past week. Oh boy.

I still don't even know what this stuff is.

I still don’t even know what this stuff is.

“What’s that rice thing called? Ying yang?”

“You mean quinoa?”

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“I keep condoms in my hamster.”

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“There’s a difference between giving sufficient effort and being a fuck.”

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To the tune of Thrift Shop. “I’m gonna pop some tags, may hair is full of sweat of other people and glitter…”

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“What did you say?”

“I said BOW DOWN TO ME.”

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Guy from the group of guys that started the snowball fight, “These girls don’t throw like girls!”

“That’s because you started a snowball fight with the softball team!”

^^^ This was one of the best walks home from practice ever.  The snowball fight continued all throughout campus. The best part? I still don’t even know who those guys were.

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“My pants are falling down and I don’t care.”

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Girl to a guy at the bar, “Your breath smells like egg.”

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Guy who was running through Collegetown and tried to jump over a snow pile but wiped out instead, “I thought I was Reggie Bush but I wasn’t.”

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“Every drink I took, I took to ulcers.”

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Me to my roommate, “Is it too early to start drinking my tequila? It’s only 7:30.”

This was basically her response:

http://whatshouldbetchescallme.tumblr.com/post/42615544518/when-my-friend-asks-if-its-too-early-to-start-drinking

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Clearly, there is either something wrong with the Cornell population or my hearing…


Go home Ithaca, you’re drunk.

This week has been quite an interesting one. After coming out of a cold snap (and I’m talking -20 wind chill here), Ithaca decided to change it’s ways for the warmer. How do I feel about it? LOVE IT. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I really hate the cold. Don’t ask me why I chose a school in upstate New York, because honestly, I wouldn’t be able to answer. I must be insane.

Seriously, what is this?

Seriously, what is this?

So anyway, between dying last week of the flu and dying of the freezing temperatures, I was looking for a little positivity in my life. I was super sick and not the happiest about classes starting, so anything was welcome. Ithaca decided to help me out–for once–and give me a little warm weather. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about it now, but in two days when it’s back to being 25? Not so much. Ithaca was a huge tease this week.

Now I want spring! I want spring MORE THAN ANYTHING. I want shorts and day drinking and tanning and flip flops. I want to not have to wear 9 layers just to go to class. I want it to be softball season so we can kick ass and win Ivy’s–that’s right, I’m talking to you Penn and Harvard. Watch out.  But seriously, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK DAMMIT?

Hell, I was even outside playing softball. IN JANUARY. In a t shirt and shorts. And I was perfectly warm. There is something wrong with this picture. I was ecstatic to finally get out on the field and try out that new outfield turf, but I’m just really confused as well. I mean just look at the weather for this week… from the 30s to the 50s and then back down to the 20s again? What? Why can’t Cornell be in the south? Please?

I might as well enjoy it while I can–it’ll probably be the last day like this until, oh I don’t know, April? May? That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. Yay warm weather!

But damn, I really should have checked off #16 on the 161 Things. Today would have been the perfect day.