I’m sure you guys remember my rant a few months ago about some issues I was having at school. I needed to get a lot off my chest or else it would have all built up and things would have gotten worse.
Anyway, a few weeks ago, I sent an email to the roommate in question apologizing for my actions senior year and also mentioning that I think we both kind of screwed up. I told her that if she didn’t respond that I would completely understand. She never wrote back. I don’t know if it was because she didn’t want to or if it was because she never got the email (I sent it to her Cornell email and I don’t know if she still uses it). Either way, maybe it will be seen if I put it on my blog. If she doesn’t see it, that’s fine. I want you guys to see it too.
“Why did you bother?” I’m sure you guys are asking. “Things seemed pretty bad and irreparable.”
Why? Because as damaged as our friendship might be, I had to try. I don’t want to look back years from now wishing that I had reached out and at least apologized. I don’t want this to be one of my big regrets in life–at least I know that I reached out and at least attempted to fix something, even if it was something that couldn’t be fixed.
So, here goes nothing.
* * * * * * * * * *
Fall semester started it all and that I know I was rude, didn’t communicate well, and–let’s be honest–I was a pretty crappy friend in general. I’m sorry. That was a really bad time for me. I was being thrown into the middle of drama that didn’t involve me and I was losing friends left and right. I realize now that had I just talked to you about some things, it might have (and probably would have) played out differently. I wasn’t your best friend. I wasn’t even a good friend, period.
Things spiraled out of control and we both let the most trivial of things affect our friendship as the semester went on and winter break passed. I know that I’m not completely innocent in this whole situation, something that I’ve reflected on for a while now actually. I think we were both at fault and we let the situation get out of hand. For me, at least–I don’t know about you–I let things stew under the surface instead of talking about it. I think that if we had just communicated better, we could have nipped it in the bud and much of this could have been avoided.
It might be too late for an apology and for me to send you this, but I’ve been thinking about it for a long time. I wanted to get this all off my chest and I thought that you should know how I feel, even if is three months after graduation and nearly a year after everything started.
I hope that nothing I said in this email offended you–that was absolutely not my intention. I’m just trying to get down exactly how I feel and I might not have worded certain things well.
Hell, you might not even still use Cmail, but I figured I would give it a shot since it’s probably the best method to get in touch. If you don’t respond, I’ll understand. You should know that I’ve been thinking about everything that’s happened over the past year and that I am truly, deeply sorry. I’ve thought of everything I could have done in the past year to change the outcome and I’m wishing I had made a change, done something about it. Like I said, we were the best of friends and it got away from us.
I hope that everything is going well for you.
Hi guys. It has been exactly 80 days since my last post. And I’m sorry.
I meant to post, I really did! Things just got really tough with drama (see this post) and school and such. And THEN I had finals, so I figured… after finals right? Right?? Well finals week has been done for about a week and a half now and I am only just now gaining the mental strength to start writing again. The only way I can explain it is that I guess my brain needed some downtime. This semester blew. (Despite the terrible semester, I did managed to check a few items off my bucket list and 161 things! Yay!)
Endless exams rained down on me and I never thought I would be able to ride out the storm. But I did! Now I only have one semester left of college. One. Semester. WHAT. I’m not okay with this. On the bright side, I’ll be able to get away from all of the drama–the drama that was so elusive my first three years as an undergrad but managed to sink its talons deep into my flesh this semester, making up for all of the missed three years in the process. Again, another story for another time.
With 2014 right around the corner, though, I’d like to think that I kept my New Year’s resolution pretty well. I wanted to write more, and I did. Seventy three posts before this one, actually. I’m impressed with myself. Here’s to 73 more next year!
Anyway, I hope that everyone had a wonderful and safe holiday! There will be many more posts to come!