Overheard on the Hill, Part 11

No fancy schmancy stuff this time… I’m just going to get right to business. Enjoy!

“Don’t sass me girl. I will end you.”

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I think that would be painful.

I think that would be painful.

At Taco Bell, “I love hot sauce. I would bathe in it.”

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“Hummus is like if Jesus was a food. Hummus.”

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“I like being bitten. I’m a biter.”

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“He threw it to me and it danced right over the fence.”

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“These are my black men jeans.”

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“I’m drunk enough that I’ll ignore that hiccup.”

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“I still have my wisdom teeth. They’re at home on my dresser.”

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“All ribs are good to me.”

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“I look hot. But fat hot.”

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“I was just sexually assaulted by a dog.”

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“This is the land of the mysterious missing socks.”

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“That tastes more funky than when I bit a Viagra in half.”

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“This is a cold sore. But it could also be gonorrhea soo…”

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“I feel like God.”

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“My mother needs to be tranquilized.”

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“Excuse me, tree.”

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“I’m trying to play softball in Europe next year… we’ll see how that works out. If it doesn’t, I’ll become an alcoholic and call it a day.”

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“What’s on your face?”

“It could be anything. I ate a lot this morning.”

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“I thought about doing MMA but then I realized how scrambled my brains would get…”

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Overheard on the Hill, Part 10

I don’t know what it is, but I got A LOT of quotes for this week. Maybe it’s spring fever since it’s finally warming up in this hell hole that is Ithaca, or maybe the stress from Cornell is sending people over the edge. Either way, it sure is interesting.

Side note: I realize I have been awful at posting. BUT. It’s because I’m in season and have a ton of work. For the next month, I won’t be posting as much, but there will DEFINITELY be overheard posts. Those are my favorite! Bear with me, puhlease.

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“I’m 98% sure that my nipple is bleeding.”

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“I took my toothbrush for a walk.”

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“Wieners feel so weird.”

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“All I wanna do is get really drunk. And maybe a little bit of drugs.”

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“I waited til I was in love for my first time. But I’m also in love with a tree branch I saw in a forest.”

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Yikes.

Yikes.

“I paid 70 dollars to look like Barbie’s reject.”

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“I’m just convinced I’m the funniest person alive.”

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“The big JC decided I had too much game so he threw me a curveball.”

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About Easter mass last year, “Don’t vomit, don’t vomit, don’t vomit. Amen.”

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“Where am I gonna find three clowns who wanna get drunk with us in Ithaca?”

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“You just never know if people are gonna be normal people or cupcake people.”

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“Get the fuck outta my face, I’m from Jersey!”

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“Is it me or does she look wide as fuck from back here?”

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“If you ever try to shove a baby back in me…”

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“Someone punch me in the eye. I want a black eye.”

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“I think it’s a very nice looking toe, just the proportions are off.”

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“What I would give for three gallons of Mike & Ikes right now.”

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“That shit was majestic.”

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“I’m 99% sure I just sharted.”

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“You know you love each other when you slam each other’s head in a door.”

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“I promised I would never ever do it again after I got caught the first time.”

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The Sandlot: my favorite baseball movie.

The Sandlot: my favorite baseball movie.

“I feel like Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez and all I wanna do is sprint and outrun a dog.”

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“We spent the entire day eating hummus and playing guitar.”

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“It’s okay, when I was 15 the right time was in my grandma’s minivan.”

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About strep, “I only get it from penises, not from mouthes.”

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“But they’re gay and my room’s a mess so they’re probably judging me.”

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“Anything that tastes this good has to take four months off your life.”

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“It’s so hard to go slow down hill. I feel like I’m wasting my inertia.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 9

I’ll admit, these aren’t as zany as what I heard on spring break, but they’re pretty good. From sunburn to baseball to computers and STDS, I sure have collected an interesting group of quotes for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!

“One time I de-sanctified a Lating church because I didn’t have a head covering.”

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“I like Jews I just don’t want to eat their food.”

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“This just came off my chest. Who wants it?”

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I love me some baseball pants. And Pat Burrell. GO PHILLIES!

I love me some baseball pants. And Pat Burrell. GO PHILLIES!

“The baseball pants are really doing it for me right now.”

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A girl at the baseball game, “Oh look, they scored a goal!”

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“Will you warm my ass?”

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“I was sitting there, wondering if it was real life or not.”

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“The computer just shit itself.”

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“You know what I hate? Bitches and hoes.”

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“You only get herpes once.”

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“OH MY GOD I need more bread. I need more sugar. There isn’t enough chicken feet! OH MY GOD why isn’t anybody selling chicken feet?!”

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“I took karate and used it for bad.”

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“You can’t change stupid.”

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“Strong like bull. Smart like tractor.”

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“Can you redshirt if you get pregnant?


Overheard: Spring Break Edition

After a brief hiatus, I bring you the best quotes from Spring Break ’13. The past week certainly was an interesting one, as you’ll see soon. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder. Just a warning: prepare yourself for outrageousness.

“I always look sexual.”

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“On a scale of 1 to drunk, how drunk are they right now?”

“Drunk to the nth power, where n is greater than or equal to 23.”

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“Ohhhh the bus is gonna get a haircut!”

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On the airplane, “I need to close the window, the light is assaulting my face.”

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About flying, “It’s safer than stairs. It’s safer than dogs and toilets.”

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My uncle at dinner, “That was outstanding.”

My 4-year-old cousin looks right at me and says, “He says that all the time.”

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

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My cousin on the team we had just lost to, “If I was Spider-Man I would take that red team, pick them up and throw them down til they’re dead!”

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Me, “Dakota, how old do you think I am?”

Dakota, “Sixteen!”

“No, a little older.”

“Seventeen?”

“Nope, older.”

“Seventy hundred?”

“Not that old!”

“Sixty six?”

“Jeez Dakota! I’m 20!”

“Oh. That’s old.”

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“We’re all on the same boat and it’s sinking.”

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“Ohhhh that is juicy.”

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“She showed me her curveball grip and I was like OH YEAH.”

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“I should air out my soul. It’s black and moldy.”

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“I was meant to be a small Chinese child. It’s true.”

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“I was just petting your eyebrows.”

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“If you got stung by a jellyfish, who would you pick to pee on you?”

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“She specializes in starch…”

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“My hair defies gravity.”

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“Fun sucker. What’d you have for lunch? Fun?”

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“You know there’s nothing in the bible about not eating meat on Fridays? They didn’t have meat back then. Just fishes and loaves.”

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“I can’t believe they’re selling beer at a college softball game.”

“It’s okay, that’s what Jesus would want.”

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“You can’t just take pictures of random babies!”

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

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“Raptors are so mean because they can’t jerk off.”

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“Who’s got my arms??”

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“Tequila. That got me married.”

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“I wanna take the wind out of their kite. Then snip the string and trounce on them.”

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“I just freaked out about the mole on my arm but don’t worry guys, it’s not cancerous. It’s just chocolate from my milkshake.”

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“Your hand has a four-foot radius.”

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“Sometimes dumb people are funny and sometimes I wanna kick them in the teeth.”

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“There’s no cure for the common birthday.”

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“There’s some imbalance in your brain that you should address.”

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“No traveling in beer pong.”

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“I hope you don’t have your good panties on case they’re about to drop.”

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“Straight isn’t straight anymore. Too much rum.”

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“This is so cool. But I’m so scared.”

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“My nipples are so sensitive right now.”

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“PS my nipple is still there.”

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“Get out of my asshole.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 8

I’m an awful person, I’ll admit it. I’ve been seriously slacking lately. And this week won’t be much better. I’m on spring break… but I’m on a trip to play softball. So when I’m not playing softball, I’ll be eating. And when I’m not eating, I’ll be sleeping since I’m so exhausted.  But at least all the while I’ll be enjoying sunny, sunny Florida. Fair warning though: there is a high possibility that this will be my only blog post for the week.

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In the weight room, “I think I drooled in her eye…”

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“It’s pronounced cran not crayon.

“But there’s a y-o!”

“So what? This is English!”

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“I have a case of the magical shrinking tits.”

laughing-seagulls***

On a summer internship, “I’m not mentally prepared to be around these birds for four months. Just when you think you’re safe…”

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The sound of seagulls cawing. “That’s the sound of my nightmares.”

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“I don’t even like vegetables, so I don’t want to be one after an accident!”

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“It’s such a struggle. I don’t have a Pope to lead me right now!”

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To my roommate, “Are you going anywhere for spring break?”

Her reply, “I’m going to Canada. It was a whole degree warmer there today!”

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“Happy Pope day!”

He certainly looks friendlier than Pope Benedict.

He certainly looks friendlier than Pope Benedict.

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About Asians on campus, “They see in widescreen instead of fullscreen.”

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“You’ve gotta get a feel for each individual sack.”

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“My feathers will last longer than my bones.”

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“I mean, I’m really awesome at teleportation and shit but it’s not an exact science.”

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I’m aware that I’m posting this really late. I was very tempted to just go to bed and forget my weekly overheard post on Monday, but I sucked it up. Next week, the overheard: spring break edition is sure to be interesting, I promise.

 


Overheard on the Hill, Part 7

Part 7? Wow, we’re really getting up there! But don’t worry, the quotes are still hilarious. With Spring Break next week, I’m sure I’ll get some more good ones–though my blogging might be a bit more sporadic than usual… professors all across campus have decided that it’s a good idea to give students absurd amounts of work to do right before spring break. Just ask me how happy I am about that.

In the library, “I don’t want to age fish for a living. I need my eyebrows done!”

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That same friend on her eyebrows, “I can pull my hair out from the sides of my head!”

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“She could steal my first born child and I still wouldn’t be mad at her.”

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“After writing the word ‘self’ 23 times on t shirts, I had to google it to make sure self was actually a word.”

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“What’s the best way to get free drinks? Steal them from the bar.”

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“She is he Bermuda Triangle of buzzkill.”

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“You know who I love? Reese Witherspoon. I would stick my tongue in her mouth.”

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“Cheers to calories!”

They're so cute! I would want to hang out with them too.

They’re so cute! I would want to hang out with them too.

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“Meanwhile she’s hanging out with koalas…”

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“I don’t think you understand–you don’t have to share a wall with her shitter…”

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“I can’t wait to get my baby Jesus banana holder.”

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“She’s not a vegetarian because she loves animals–she’s a vegetarian because she hates plants.”

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On the bus, “Is there a human in this seat?”

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“I wheeze just from looking at a bagel.”

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“I have friends, they just don’t know they’re my friends…”

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On a completely unrelated note, exactly two months until my 21st birthday! Woohoo!