College Lesson #1: You’re not meant to stay friends with everyone

In keeping with my promise to update my blog more, I’ve decided to do a series on all of the things and lessons that I have learned since getting to college. I don’t know if it’s because I only have on semester left on the Hill and I’m getting a bit nostalgic or because I have reached (more like skidded to with a screeching halt) these conclusions very recently. Some of these will be funny, some will be serious… either way, I want to compile a list of all of the little tidbits of information I have collected over the course of my time at Cornell.

This is a lesson I have most certainly learned this past semester–you’re not meant to stay friends with everyone who crosses your path. It just won’t happen. No matter how bad you want to stay friends with said person, it is just not meant to be. This could be because of drama, because you grow apart, because of boys, or you each have different interests than you had originally. These things happen. And you know what? Sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes it’s good to remove these people from your life. Sometimes I have absolutely no desire to pursue the friendship any further. That sometimes for me is right now.

Unfortunately, I did lose some best friends this year, particularly at the hands of drama. Somehow I managed to avoid drama my ENTIRE COLLEGE CAREER until this semester when it all caught up to me and managed to makeup for lost time (my luck, right?). I think that says enough in terms of my avoiding drama–I always try to stay out of it, not taking sides, listening to everyone. I realize I may be going directly against what I just said by writing this post, but whatever. Another thing I’ve learned in connecting with this little lesson? Girls are bitches. And catty and malicious and mean.

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Seriously though, girls are the worst. They’re passive aggressive–no confrontation at all (not to say that I’m not guilty of avoiding confrontation at times). Yes, leaving post-it notes is a much more appropriate route, really. Very cute.  Another super cute thing that girls do? Lie. Spread rumors. RUIN FRIENDSHIPS. Yup, I said it. Lies told about me almost ruined one of my closest friendships. Thank god I was able to mend that one after explaining WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED and that no, I did not know that so-and-so who was “together” with so-and-so but slept with so-and-so, BECAUSE I WAS NOT PHYSICALLY THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED. Like not even in the state of New York. So there was no way that I would know. But apparently I’m too self-centered to pay attention to what’s going with my friends. Right. But I digress.

Judging by my little rant, I’m sure you have an idea of what I’ve been going through and just how DUMB the high level drama is. Like seriously. I thought I outgrew this shit. Ugh but post it notes really get my goat (did I actually just use that expression?). AHKDOAIJFKLDJFLKAJDF. Literally. I don’t know how else to express my anger towards this.

I’m going to stop here before I get any angrier. There will be more on this later. Probably after this semester when I can go into much more detail. Ohhhh the anticipation! I know it’s killing you.

If I had to close this article with a piece of advice, it would most certainly be this: don’t live with your “best friend.” It won’t work. I learned the hard way.

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Overheard on the Hill: Fourth of July Edition

I’m not quite sure what it is, but Independence Day must bring out the best–or weird–in people. The quotes range from patriotism to I don’t even know what. Instead of trying to explain further, I’ll let you just read them for yourself.

“As I used to say in college, ‘still works!”

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“Apparently they’re like the rednecks of China.”

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“We’ve always got food to fall back on.”

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“If you don’t have sex on the Fourth of July it’s unpatriotic.”

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“It’s a space tiger!”

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“We didn’t sleep in Canada.”

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“Suck it up for America.”

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About texting a lot of girls one night, “You gotta cast a wide net if you want to catch a lot of fish.”

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“A forest grew on my face overnight.”

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On the Fourth when the American Flag fell down, “FREEDOM DOWN!”

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“They just re-did the roof, right? Made it sex proof?”

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“America made me push through my hangover.”

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“Preferably when you’re snoring on his penis.”

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“I don’t want to get arrested for the second time today…”

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“America just said ‘fuck you’ okay?”

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“Consuming calories for America.”

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“There was legit an insect in my bra and it bit my tit.”

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“I want to sparkle now.”

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“It’s like America slapped you across the face.”

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“He was fucking himself in the mirror.”

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“You know what would be good right now? Corndog, air conditioning, sex. In that order.”

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“I heard he has a small penis so I’ll let him motorboat me if he wants.”

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“I’m so drunk but so alert.”

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“I’m floating on a cloud.”

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“Townies scare me.”

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“Hey I’m black, I know my people.”

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“I have a broken jukebox in my throat and it only comes out when I’m drunk.”

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“She’s an interesting specimen. I want to study her.”

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“Sunscreen is for non-Mexicans.”

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“It’s like a penis except you have to bite it.”

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“I swear on my nutsack!”

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“It smells like pee-throw up-ass monkey.”

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“At home my laziness gets in the way of me smoking cigarettes.”

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“It sounds like electric sex.”

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“It’s the diaphragm, that’s your problem!”

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“Toilet paper, fuck yeah!”

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“He’s Can-Asian. A Canadian Asian.”

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“Maybe if you’d brush your hair, boys would like you.”

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“You know what I find hard to believe? That pickles are cucumbers.”

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“Imagine how much drama there would be in a 100% gay fraternity…”

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You go girl!

You go girl!

“I just love potato products.”

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“I’m going to Little Mermaid the shit out of this rock.”

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“But the spoons make it violent!”

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“There should be less fireworks and more giant flame balls in the sky.”

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Welp… it certainly was an interesting week.


Overheard on the Hill, Part 10

I don’t know what it is, but I got A LOT of quotes for this week. Maybe it’s spring fever since it’s finally warming up in this hell hole that is Ithaca, or maybe the stress from Cornell is sending people over the edge. Either way, it sure is interesting.

Side note: I realize I have been awful at posting. BUT. It’s because I’m in season and have a ton of work. For the next month, I won’t be posting as much, but there will DEFINITELY be overheard posts. Those are my favorite! Bear with me, puhlease.

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“I’m 98% sure that my nipple is bleeding.”

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“I took my toothbrush for a walk.”

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“Wieners feel so weird.”

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“All I wanna do is get really drunk. And maybe a little bit of drugs.”

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“I waited til I was in love for my first time. But I’m also in love with a tree branch I saw in a forest.”

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Yikes.

Yikes.

“I paid 70 dollars to look like Barbie’s reject.”

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“I’m just convinced I’m the funniest person alive.”

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“The big JC decided I had too much game so he threw me a curveball.”

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About Easter mass last year, “Don’t vomit, don’t vomit, don’t vomit. Amen.”

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“Where am I gonna find three clowns who wanna get drunk with us in Ithaca?”

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“You just never know if people are gonna be normal people or cupcake people.”

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“Get the fuck outta my face, I’m from Jersey!”

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“Is it me or does she look wide as fuck from back here?”

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“If you ever try to shove a baby back in me…”

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“Someone punch me in the eye. I want a black eye.”

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“I think it’s a very nice looking toe, just the proportions are off.”

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“What I would give for three gallons of Mike & Ikes right now.”

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“That shit was majestic.”

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“I’m 99% sure I just sharted.”

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“You know you love each other when you slam each other’s head in a door.”

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“I promised I would never ever do it again after I got caught the first time.”

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The Sandlot: my favorite baseball movie.

The Sandlot: my favorite baseball movie.

“I feel like Benny “The Jet” Rodriguez and all I wanna do is sprint and outrun a dog.”

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“We spent the entire day eating hummus and playing guitar.”

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“It’s okay, when I was 15 the right time was in my grandma’s minivan.”

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About strep, “I only get it from penises, not from mouthes.”

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“But they’re gay and my room’s a mess so they’re probably judging me.”

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“Anything that tastes this good has to take four months off your life.”

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“It’s so hard to go slow down hill. I feel like I’m wasting my inertia.”