Overheard on the Hill: Homecoming Edition

Homecoming this past weekend brought hoards of alumni back to the hill, as well as missed friends, teammates, and an atmosphere of school spirit (when does THAT ever happen at Cornell? JK it still didn’t this year. We’re terrible students). It also brought a torrential downpour during the homecoming game against Bucknell.  Despite the weather, we still won!  1-0! Let’s see if the Big Red can get a winning season for once… Wow, I’m being harsh. Oh well. Enjoy all the quotes from my crazy ex-teammates as well as the ones I see every day. You won’t be disappointed.

baby hand soap Ultra Creepy Baby Hand Soap

This is one of the first results when I Google search “creepy soap.” Umm….

“Where’s my creepy soap?

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“What’s the point of being a nerd if you can’t tell the world about it?”

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About hockey, “It’s a communist sport. I can’t take it.”

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“He just got nailed in the balls by Jesus.”

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“Slow it down, cotton ball!”

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“Yeah, my nipples have been really hard lately.”

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“Keep taking shots until it’s less awkward.”

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“If you show up on time and you’re a rapper, you’re doing it wrong.”

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“You can’t do it until the beat drops.”

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“Luckily I found my way to you motherfuckers.”

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“It’s like Niagara Falls down my cleavage.”

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“There will be tears coming out of my face.”

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“Hop off my weenis.”

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“Is it infringing on your butt?”

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“I may have just let in a predator.”

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Overheard on the Hill: Slope Week Edition

Remember my post about Slope Day? Well, I should have clarified–it’s more like Slope Week. Though Friday/last day of classes is what people look forward to the most, the whole last week of classes in general tends to be a shit show. A drunken blur, if you will. And let me just say, Slope Week makes for some interesting quotes!

Slope Day 2013

Slope Day 2013

“I can’t even exist right now.”

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“Wanna see me as a dead princess?

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“I hope I never live in a house that can go on a truck.”

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“I think I got everything [for our Slope Day festivities]. I just need to go back to get bacon, fruit, and beer.”

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“I’m going to roofie you on booze cruise.”

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“High on life and bitches be dumb.”

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“They literally run away from girls… it’s remarkable.”

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The best way to start Slope Day--mimosas!

The best way to start Slope Day–mimosas!

“When she’s drunk, she’s a loose spaghetti noodle.”

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“I was sitting awkwardly and my vagina fell asleep.”

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“Sharing a forty with a girl? I remember when I was a pussy…”

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“Sometimes people like to use me as a mirror.”

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About a girl on screen at the concert, “I texted her telling her she was famous but what I really meant was that “you’re alive!”

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“Was she up there breakin’ it down for Jesus? Twerkin’ for the Lord?”

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“Fire. I want you to explode.”

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“What an industrial little fuck.”

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“I think I YOLO too much.”

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“It’s a good thing I’m gay. I realize I grab too many girls asses to be heterosexual.”

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Talking about getting JA’ed for hopping the fence to get on the slope, “If you just ran away like me and hid in the portapotties you woulda been okay!”

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“Later is not a time I can set my alarm for.”

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“It smelled like the holocaust museum in there.”

The slopey-est picture of the day!

The slopey-est picture of the day!

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“It’s like drums on crack.”

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About throwing a football, “You throw it like your flicking a booger at your brother.”

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“If you killed someone, you gotta keep that on the down low.”

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“Pizza rolls are the work of Jesus.”

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“We don’t play with rules in Canada.”

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“I’m enjoying NARP life, leave me alone.” (a NARP stands for ‘Not A Real Person’… it’s what the athletes at Cornell sometimes call non-athletes)

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“You almost got a slurpee enema right there.”

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“I hope my nipples don’t pop out.”

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“If we’re throwing it out there, I’m really cold and nipply.”

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“Do you want some roofie juice?”

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IMG_1494“Halfway to white girl wasted and I need some help.”

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“There’s too many white bitches screaming but this is a great song.”

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“Kale is gorges.”

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“The children of the skunk cabbage are going to kill us.”

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Singing, “Going to slide down a treeeeee!”

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“Your life is a wine tour.”

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About sun poisoning, “My face swelled up and fell off soooo I’ve been there.”

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The junior class does Slope Day.

The junior class does Slope Day.

“Tell him to go fuck himself. Tell him I’ll fuck himself for him… that made more sense in my head.”

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“One time I brought wine to the library and it made the whole experience closer to my heart.”

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“What are y’all celebrating? Life? Good for you. When you get to my age, your just waiting for life to end.”

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“Having kids taught me that I fucking hate kids.”

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“I swear, kids should come with instructions. Fuck that, kids should come with receipts.”

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And that, my friends, is the last of the Slope Week quotes. I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did when I went back to read them on my phone and I didn’t remember writing down half of them! Happy Slope Week!

One of the best pictures I took all day

One of the best pictures I took all day.


Overheard on the Hill, Part 13

This past week (and the next few weeks) can be described by one word. Strugglebus. Usually I’m just riding the strugglebus, but recently it seems like I’ve been driving it. And then crashing it. Yikes. But that is the reason for my lack of posting. After May 14th, when I’ve had my last final, I think that I’ll finally be off the strugglebus for good–or at least for the summer–and resume being a normal human being for once. Okay, let’s be real, that probably won’t happen… coming from the girl who chose to go to DisneyWorld for her 21st birthday gift. #childatheart

Without further adieu, I present the best quotes from April 22-28.

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Hungover at lunch, “Just let me perish in my fried rice.”

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About eating a hotdog, “Circumcise it with your teeth.”

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This kind of hotdog would be safe. Too cute to eat!

This kind of hotdog would be safe. Too cute to eat!

“These are not good commando shorts. They’re sticking in my ass.”

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“I love boiled dogs.” Hotdogs, don’t worry.

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“Bitches love me.”

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“I smell like fried food. And asshole. I smell like fried asshole.”

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About Slope Day (don’t worry, I will take time out of my week to tell you about that), “It’s like O Week (Orientation Week) boiled down into one day.”

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“It’s like the Great Gatsby of crab fishing!”

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“It smells like farty pasta.”

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“Our plan was to drunkenly flail on stage.”

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“I woke up with hot sauce on my face and pretzels in my hand surrounded by Jewish books.”

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“And then we had foster kids too but they were fucked up.”

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“Rubber cement got me through middle school.”

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“I want to hackeysack with your children on my back.”

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“I want her to split her pants.”

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“What’re we turning up?! The HEAT!”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 12

This past week has been really crazy. And the next two weeks will be, too. I go from having very little work all semester to having every single thing due in the same 1 1/2 week span. WTF. It’s like my professors are conspiring against me and decide to make everything do at the same time. As if they specifically want to make my life hell. Yay! On a sidenote… less than three weeks until I hit the big 2-1!!

“I wrote 13 pages and was only supposed to write 6. AND did Sammy’s homework.”

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“I really love calculus. I just think it’s really fun.”

What?? This person is crazy.

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“That’s why they tell you to eat yogurt. Just not for your vagina…”

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“I was waterskiing over the summer and crashed and it was basically like an enema.”

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These things are evil.

These things are evil.

“You remind me of a creepy Easter Bunny.”

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After a night out, “The struggle is real today.”

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“This wind needs to chill the fuck out.”

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“I just need a Xanax and a nap.”

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“Adderall. It works. Makes you focus and makes you skinny.”

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Cheers-ing with shots, “To love and bad bitches and that being our fucking problem. And we’re okay with it.”

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“I wanna fart before we leave.”

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“I make the last drink I take before I blackout to Jesus.”

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“The level and speed that pants came off is astounding.”

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“I would say we’re loitering. I would say that’s a fair assessment of what we’re doing right now.”

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“No, my dad is not a lizard.”

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“This is the best gift I’ve ever received since life.”

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“I’m Ke$sha and Beyonce’s love child, Keyonce.”

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When the Penn players were being obnoxious and singing, “I want to roll my windows down and cruise over their heads.”

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“All I have is softball and alcohol.”

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“Stop feeling up straight people!”

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“Can I sit on the TV?”

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“I got hit by a fucking Honda Element. Again.”

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“I’m very much not black.”

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“Your knees made me burp.”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 11

No fancy schmancy stuff this time… I’m just going to get right to business. Enjoy!

“Don’t sass me girl. I will end you.”

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I think that would be painful.

I think that would be painful.

At Taco Bell, “I love hot sauce. I would bathe in it.”

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“Hummus is like if Jesus was a food. Hummus.”

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“I like being bitten. I’m a biter.”

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“He threw it to me and it danced right over the fence.”

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“These are my black men jeans.”

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“I’m drunk enough that I’ll ignore that hiccup.”

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“I still have my wisdom teeth. They’re at home on my dresser.”

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“All ribs are good to me.”

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“I look hot. But fat hot.”

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“I was just sexually assaulted by a dog.”

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“This is the land of the mysterious missing socks.”

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“That tastes more funky than when I bit a Viagra in half.”

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“This is a cold sore. But it could also be gonorrhea soo…”

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“I feel like God.”

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“My mother needs to be tranquilized.”

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“Excuse me, tree.”

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“I’m trying to play softball in Europe next year… we’ll see how that works out. If it doesn’t, I’ll become an alcoholic and call it a day.”

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“What’s on your face?”

“It could be anything. I ate a lot this morning.”

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“I thought about doing MMA but then I realized how scrambled my brains would get…”


Overheard: Spring Break Edition

After a brief hiatus, I bring you the best quotes from Spring Break ’13. The past week certainly was an interesting one, as you’ll see soon. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder. Just a warning: prepare yourself for outrageousness.

“I always look sexual.”

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“On a scale of 1 to drunk, how drunk are they right now?”

“Drunk to the nth power, where n is greater than or equal to 23.”

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“Ohhhh the bus is gonna get a haircut!”

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On the airplane, “I need to close the window, the light is assaulting my face.”

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About flying, “It’s safer than stairs. It’s safer than dogs and toilets.”

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My uncle at dinner, “That was outstanding.”

My 4-year-old cousin looks right at me and says, “He says that all the time.”

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

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My cousin on the team we had just lost to, “If I was Spider-Man I would take that red team, pick them up and throw them down til they’re dead!”

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Me, “Dakota, how old do you think I am?”

Dakota, “Sixteen!”

“No, a little older.”

“Seventeen?”

“Nope, older.”

“Seventy hundred?”

“Not that old!”

“Sixty six?”

“Jeez Dakota! I’m 20!”

“Oh. That’s old.”

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“We’re all on the same boat and it’s sinking.”

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“Ohhhh that is juicy.”

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“She showed me her curveball grip and I was like OH YEAH.”

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“I should air out my soul. It’s black and moldy.”

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“I was meant to be a small Chinese child. It’s true.”

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“I was just petting your eyebrows.”

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“If you got stung by a jellyfish, who would you pick to pee on you?”

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“She specializes in starch…”

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“My hair defies gravity.”

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“Fun sucker. What’d you have for lunch? Fun?”

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“You know there’s nothing in the bible about not eating meat on Fridays? They didn’t have meat back then. Just fishes and loaves.”

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“I can’t believe they’re selling beer at a college softball game.”

“It’s okay, that’s what Jesus would want.”

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“You can’t just take pictures of random babies!”

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

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“Raptors are so mean because they can’t jerk off.”

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“Who’s got my arms??”

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“Tequila. That got me married.”

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“I wanna take the wind out of their kite. Then snip the string and trounce on them.”

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“I just freaked out about the mole on my arm but don’t worry guys, it’s not cancerous. It’s just chocolate from my milkshake.”

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“Your hand has a four-foot radius.”

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“Sometimes dumb people are funny and sometimes I wanna kick them in the teeth.”

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“There’s no cure for the common birthday.”

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“There’s some imbalance in your brain that you should address.”

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“No traveling in beer pong.”

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“I hope you don’t have your good panties on case they’re about to drop.”

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“Straight isn’t straight anymore. Too much rum.”

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“This is so cool. But I’m so scared.”

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“My nipples are so sensitive right now.”

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“PS my nipple is still there.”

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“Get out of my asshole.”