Let’s Get Slopey

This shit gets pretty crazy...#CU

Here you go, the promised post about Slope Day. “What is Slope Day?” you ask. At Cornell, it’s the sloppiest, drunkest, shit-showiest, and best day of the year.

Every year, on the last day of classes, Cornell is host to the biggest party and concert of the year–Slope Day. On Slope Day, the Cornell Concert Commission gets some big, popular artist to headline the concert. This year, it’s Kendrick Lamar (ya bish). Ask me how happy I am about this…. AKA NOT HAPPY AT ALL. NO ONE LIKES KENDRICK LAMAR. HE ONLY HAS ONE SINGLE. He doesn’t have  nearly enough music to headline a concert. Fuck that.

“What is ‘the slope?'” you would ask. Well, it’s the biggest fucking hill at Cornell. It leads from Central Campus, where class is held, to West Campus, where some of the upper classmen live. It’s steep as hell, but it’s an excellent concert venue.

On the bright side, Hoodie Allen is also coming to Slope Day… I’M SO EXCITED FOR HIM. I love love loveeee Hoodie. I’m not a fan of rap, but I actually love his music. I’m surprised. Still trying to tweet at him incessantly to get him to come to the softball pregame… we’ll see how that works out.

sd_09_01_0344_09_083Anyway, SLOPE DAY. Basically, people start drinking at about 8am and continue to drink all day (or at least until you get on the slope) and it’s the biggest shit-show you’ll ever see. This is my first real Slope Day (and only, because we’re going to kick ass at softball this year), as a junior, because in past years the softball team has been in the Ivy Championship game and couldn’t drink. Last year I got to go to the slope, but not enjoy it as a real person… I was sober and it was kinda weird.  Drunk bitches errrwhere. But our season kinda went to shit this year, so we get to participate. I’m excited and sad/mad at the same time. Does that make sense?

Slope Day is sure to be quite the experience, and hopefully it’ll be the only time I get to experience it as an undergrad (I will DEFINITELY come back as an alum). Either way I’m pumped for my first Slope Day… just  pray that my team and I survive!!

PS I was entirely drunk while writing this post (sorry Mom)! Starting Slope Day off on the right foot! #college #slopeweekend

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Overheard on the Hill, Part 13

This past week (and the next few weeks) can be described by one word. Strugglebus. Usually I’m just riding the strugglebus, but recently it seems like I’ve been driving it. And then crashing it. Yikes. But that is the reason for my lack of posting. After May 14th, when I’ve had my last final, I think that I’ll finally be off the strugglebus for good–or at least for the summer–and resume being a normal human being for once. Okay, let’s be real, that probably won’t happen… coming from the girl who chose to go to DisneyWorld for her 21st birthday gift. #childatheart

Without further adieu, I present the best quotes from April 22-28.

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Hungover at lunch, “Just let me perish in my fried rice.”

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About eating a hotdog, “Circumcise it with your teeth.”

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This kind of hotdog would be safe. Too cute to eat!

This kind of hotdog would be safe. Too cute to eat!

“These are not good commando shorts. They’re sticking in my ass.”

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“I love boiled dogs.” Hotdogs, don’t worry.

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“Bitches love me.”

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“I smell like fried food. And asshole. I smell like fried asshole.”

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About Slope Day (don’t worry, I will take time out of my week to tell you about that), “It’s like O Week (Orientation Week) boiled down into one day.”

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“It’s like the Great Gatsby of crab fishing!”

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“It smells like farty pasta.”

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“Our plan was to drunkenly flail on stage.”

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“I woke up with hot sauce on my face and pretzels in my hand surrounded by Jewish books.”

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“And then we had foster kids too but they were fucked up.”

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“Rubber cement got me through middle school.”

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“I want to hackeysack with your children on my back.”

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“I want her to split her pants.”

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“What’re we turning up?! The HEAT!”


Overheard on the Hill, Part 11

No fancy schmancy stuff this time… I’m just going to get right to business. Enjoy!

“Don’t sass me girl. I will end you.”

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I think that would be painful.

I think that would be painful.

At Taco Bell, “I love hot sauce. I would bathe in it.”

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“Hummus is like if Jesus was a food. Hummus.”

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“I like being bitten. I’m a biter.”

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“He threw it to me and it danced right over the fence.”

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“These are my black men jeans.”

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“I’m drunk enough that I’ll ignore that hiccup.”

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“I still have my wisdom teeth. They’re at home on my dresser.”

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“All ribs are good to me.”

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“I look hot. But fat hot.”

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“I was just sexually assaulted by a dog.”

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“This is the land of the mysterious missing socks.”

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“That tastes more funky than when I bit a Viagra in half.”

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“This is a cold sore. But it could also be gonorrhea soo…”

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“I feel like God.”

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“My mother needs to be tranquilized.”

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“Excuse me, tree.”

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“I’m trying to play softball in Europe next year… we’ll see how that works out. If it doesn’t, I’ll become an alcoholic and call it a day.”

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“What’s on your face?”

“It could be anything. I ate a lot this morning.”

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“I thought about doing MMA but then I realized how scrambled my brains would get…”


Overheard: Spring Break Edition

After a brief hiatus, I bring you the best quotes from Spring Break ’13. The past week certainly was an interesting one, as you’ll see soon. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder. Just a warning: prepare yourself for outrageousness.

“I always look sexual.”

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“On a scale of 1 to drunk, how drunk are they right now?”

“Drunk to the nth power, where n is greater than or equal to 23.”

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“Ohhhh the bus is gonna get a haircut!”

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On the airplane, “I need to close the window, the light is assaulting my face.”

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About flying, “It’s safer than stairs. It’s safer than dogs and toilets.”

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My uncle at dinner, “That was outstanding.”

My 4-year-old cousin looks right at me and says, “He says that all the time.”

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

Thanks Spider-Man! I knew I could count on you!

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My cousin on the team we had just lost to, “If I was Spider-Man I would take that red team, pick them up and throw them down til they’re dead!”

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Me, “Dakota, how old do you think I am?”

Dakota, “Sixteen!”

“No, a little older.”

“Seventeen?”

“Nope, older.”

“Seventy hundred?”

“Not that old!”

“Sixty six?”

“Jeez Dakota! I’m 20!”

“Oh. That’s old.”

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“We’re all on the same boat and it’s sinking.”

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“Ohhhh that is juicy.”

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“She showed me her curveball grip and I was like OH YEAH.”

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“I should air out my soul. It’s black and moldy.”

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“I was meant to be a small Chinese child. It’s true.”

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“I was just petting your eyebrows.”

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“If you got stung by a jellyfish, who would you pick to pee on you?”

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“She specializes in starch…”

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“My hair defies gravity.”

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“Fun sucker. What’d you have for lunch? Fun?”

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“You know there’s nothing in the bible about not eating meat on Fridays? They didn’t have meat back then. Just fishes and loaves.”

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“I can’t believe they’re selling beer at a college softball game.”

“It’s okay, that’s what Jesus would want.”

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“You can’t just take pictures of random babies!”

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

Hmm, never thought of it that way.

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“Raptors are so mean because they can’t jerk off.”

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“Who’s got my arms??”

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“Tequila. That got me married.”

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“I wanna take the wind out of their kite. Then snip the string and trounce on them.”

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“I just freaked out about the mole on my arm but don’t worry guys, it’s not cancerous. It’s just chocolate from my milkshake.”

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“Your hand has a four-foot radius.”

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“Sometimes dumb people are funny and sometimes I wanna kick them in the teeth.”

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“There’s no cure for the common birthday.”

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“There’s some imbalance in your brain that you should address.”

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“No traveling in beer pong.”

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“I hope you don’t have your good panties on case they’re about to drop.”

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“Straight isn’t straight anymore. Too much rum.”

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“This is so cool. But I’m so scared.”

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“My nipples are so sensitive right now.”

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“PS my nipple is still there.”

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“Get out of my asshole.”


Go home Ithaca, you’re drunk.

This week has been quite an interesting one. After coming out of a cold snap (and I’m talking -20 wind chill here), Ithaca decided to change it’s ways for the warmer. How do I feel about it? LOVE IT. I LOVE IT SO MUCH. I really hate the cold. Don’t ask me why I chose a school in upstate New York, because honestly, I wouldn’t be able to answer. I must be insane.

Seriously, what is this?

Seriously, what is this?

So anyway, between dying last week of the flu and dying of the freezing temperatures, I was looking for a little positivity in my life. I was super sick and not the happiest about classes starting, so anything was welcome. Ithaca decided to help me out–for once–and give me a little warm weather. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about it now, but in two days when it’s back to being 25? Not so much. Ithaca was a huge tease this week.

Now I want spring! I want spring MORE THAN ANYTHING. I want shorts and day drinking and tanning and flip flops. I want to not have to wear 9 layers just to go to class. I want it to be softball season so we can kick ass and win Ivy’s–that’s right, I’m talking to you Penn and Harvard. Watch out.  But seriously, IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK DAMMIT?

Hell, I was even outside playing softball. IN JANUARY. In a t shirt and shorts. And I was perfectly warm. There is something wrong with this picture. I was ecstatic to finally get out on the field and try out that new outfield turf, but I’m just really confused as well. I mean just look at the weather for this week… from the 30s to the 50s and then back down to the 20s again? What? Why can’t Cornell be in the south? Please?

I might as well enjoy it while I can–it’ll probably be the last day like this until, oh I don’t know, April? May? That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. Yay warm weather!

But damn, I really should have checked off #16 on the 161 Things. Today would have been the perfect day.